I'm surprised this is still here.
screw-e day
April 6
well today simon was suppsed to come over then he coudn't then all day i felt all icky and was upset that he coudn't come then like at three his mum called and sed that he could come. i was like YAY! so my day started out good went to bad fast then after a long while it became good again. so simon and i went to my family's passover dinner and i of course stuffed my face. i need to become un-lazy so i will be able to fit in my prom dress x__x ack. <3
bleeeeeeeeeeh
April 5
things just suck right now. with all that i have going on 8( i'm like never really hungry anymore. and i haven't really been eating much. and i randomly feel over tired and like lay anywere and i'm out like a light. 8| yeah thats how my days have been. i know tomorrow will be better cause simon is coming over and he makes me feel better. well i've taken a few naps today so i'm not tired. in an hour adut swim starts and i'll prolly watch that since i can't watch it when i have school. ps(its spring break for me) so yeah. well i dunno if i'll write in here later or not. bleh <3
time and time again you'll think about yourself before you think about me
March 31
wow..i haven't written in here in a long time. but i felt so exposed when people who aren't supposed to read this just happened to "find" it. you can't find it with out looking first. ::grumble gurmble:: so now i feel like i have to limit what i say. like i do in my other online things. here i could speak feely and say wantever i wanted but i can't do that anymore. maybe sometime soon i'll get a new one. i'll try to remember to update this one every so often too. a lot has been going on..mostly bad. well i'm going to get a snack cause my stomach is growling. <3
feels like i'm..
February 28
last night was the greatest. it started out bad tho. cause i was supposed to go to simons at like three but because of minor probs i didn't get to go over there until seven ;-;! but at least i got to go over there 8). so he played me the song that he wrote for me 8D!!! totally awsome! then we hung out for a little while with his friend. then we slow danced for a while then we cuddled a lot then, we kissed 8). our first kiss together. t'was wonderful!! lol. but then i had to leave like right after x__x; while i was there i ate dinner with him and his family. i felt bad cause his dad had to eat at the counter cause i took his seat. then they were like asking my stuff. i got all nervious =o. i was like uh erm vja;igjnv;urg lol. and i ate waay to much lol. but i had a great time anyways. today i got to see him cause we had bowling and we even got to bowl next to him cause our lanes broke. 8)! i did pretty well too! 150, 198, then a 139 ick. lol. then me, simon, mum and dad went out to eat. then i came home cleaned. took a bunch of pics of me lol. i did my hair and whatnot =o and then er i didn't really do much the rest of the day.<3
fuad;jsa;eaw;f
February 26
a lot has happened.i totally lost it last night. i though that i ruined everything for simon and me. i made him upset cause of things in his past. i felt uber bad cause he was upset and i didn't want him mad at me. but i mean i lost it. i was crying like no tomorrow. all that mess resulting in me cutting myself. it made me feel better. but yeah its kinda bad cause i kinda broke a promise in doing so. but i though i'd lost simon and that i'd screwed everything up..and..i know..i'm sutpid. i just snaped ::sigh::..then there is my friend josh. something happened between him and his friends and hes been uber sad lately and i can't do anything to help. i feel so useless all the time. he cut himself last night too. i wish i could have helped him. i cried because i didn't want to lose him. and i was scared that i would...
well i talked to bryant today. he was having comp probs. i missed him alot. its really weird me having a bf and talking to him. cause when i talk to him it brings back memories and how things were. how things will never be like that again. but i'm gald that we are still good friends. he means so much to me. i'm just glad that hes happy with kelli and everything. because i want to see him happy cause i've seen him sad so many times. i told him about simon and he was glad that i've found someone. i am too. 8). i told bry that i think that simon doesn't like me wearing the ring that he gave me. but i dont want to take it off. its improtant to me. i mean he hasn't sed anything to me. but he kinda had this look aobut him when i told him it was from another guy. and when he was holding my hands he was kinda like looking at it. 8|. but i know that because of his past.. that he doenst want me talking about like any guys. and like i have lots of guy friends and whatnot. so i just dont say anything to him aobut them. he thinks i'm going to cheat on him or something, but he says he trusts me. that confuses me. but i wish that he knew that i'd never do that. never. well i guess thats enough venting. i'm feeling a little better. sorta 8|. well night <3
move to my music babeh
February 24
yeah i haven't updated for a while. and for once i dont have the excuse that nothing was going on. i was just too lazy. i know bad huh. lol. so to catch up =o. i met this grea guy simon. he is so great. i mean he does all this nice stuff for me and is always sweet to me. he really seems to care about me. but a lot of them do. but in ways hes different than them. but sometimes i wonder..for how great it is..is it too good to be true. i feel really bad for saying that. i'm really falling for him tho. and that can be bad. bleh okay well i'll shut up about that stuff. well so i went to his house on friday. i know its like amazing mum let me go. so i went to his house and he played some guitar for me. i love when he plays for me and he sings for me too 8D! then we walked like forever together to his friends house we jumped on their tramploine. then i watch him and one of his friends play pool. simon kicks total ass at pool i mean i was like whoa!! while i was watching. then we walked allll the way back to his house and went back into his room he played for me a little more then we talked and whatnot. on sat we stayed at the bowling alley together until three when i got there at quater to ten hehe. then on sunday i went to the mall with him. now the reason i spent all that time with him on the weekend is cause i dont get to see him during the week. he goes to a different school. yeah. well i got to see him today. we planned on going to the same library after school. cause i had some stuff to do and it was close enough for him to walk to. we got caught in our little secret get together but surprizingly enough mum was okay with it. i was kinda scared but hey she okay so w00t. lol. well thats enough of my blabbin ey? <3
sick-icky-ness
Febusary 17
yeah i haven't updated in a while. this are okay. simon is totally great and everything.8). tho i haven't really been much in the mood to eat to hungry lately. 8. and of course now i'm sick. thats one of the worst parts about vegas. i get sick all the time here. i used to never get sick. bleh, so i feel like shit and i'm just waiting for the weekend so i can see simon. <3 <3
ahhhhhh ::dies of boredom::
feb. 2
i feel all weird. and i am soooooooo bored right now. ahhhh. and there is no one to talk to. bryant has been gone forever and a day. i miss him so damn much and i'm sure that hes so caught up with kelli that he dosent even remember i exist anymore. and i dunno like loren donest talk much anymore. and i dunno i think i did something. or maybe he likes someother chick. and joel's dad just needs to let him use the puter so he can get a name and talk to me the damn bastard. lol. and i wish megan and i could talk on puters. but like to other people we are okay but when we talk online it just doesnt work but get us in person you can't shut us up.lol. bleh i'm just stupid and really really bored.
tonight will set you free
February 2
today was just another okay day at school. i have ap studio art first and i was trying to finish this oil painting that i started a while back. its a slow process but its turning out really cool. then i have marine science. we weren't in our room today cause it was being painted. but we watched this moive that i didn't really pay attention to that i was supposed to answer qestions but i got a few. i spent most of my time writing notes.i dont want to talk about english i hate that class and my teacher. then lunch where i eat three cookies like everyday and i still wonder why i just keep gaining and gaining weight. lol. then us history which is the most boring class. but my teacher is so so. then i have japanese which today was an easy day. we had kanji. then we just talked rest of the hour. sensei and i were talking about iowa and college. i was talking to this girl michelle about how dumb my parents can be about things and then sensei was like why dont you go to vally for senior year. yeah i wish. mums just to big of a baby to let me go ::rolls eyes and sighs:: i'd be nice to grad from there. the only thing is that i would have to like totally work my ass off on japanese four. kanai sensei would be really hard for me to go back to. but i would do it if i could. i miss everyone so much. i wish that i could see them. ::sighs:: ;-;! bleh! okay so having math last per. is so not fun. especially having my teacher. bleh. well i got home watched way more tv than usual, then got on the puter at and that was it. my day. oh so fun. i'm going to ask mum one more time and tell her to REALLY think about letting me go back to iowa for senior year. i really really really really really really( okay we get the pic) really want to. wow i can't believe i typed all thoes with out messing up. lol. i have a tendancy to switch letters sometimes. well i guess er..night <3
my house is a damn igloo
February 1
right now i am just very very pissed. very very very pissed. leila pisses me off. and she assumes too much. and everytime she does its wrong. but yet she still does.rooooooooooar. ::breaks things:: <3 <3
you whisper, i weep.
January 31
i'm not really in the mood to type that much. and type about all that happened yesterday. maybe i'll get to it later. yeah. leila is coming over and beofre it was fine until she like unitved me to something. so maybe i'll do something too. hmm. maybe i'll reivte myself on a different day, without her. yeah. whoa. i need sleep. and its been really crazy cause lately i've been all picture happy and i've taken like a million pics of me. i dont really like taking pics but thats mostly cause i dont like smiling but when i take pics of myself i dont have to smile if i dont want to. i have to go clean before she gets here. ::sigh:: well i guess bryant isn't grounded anymore cause he hasn't been on in a long time. i miss him. <3
Evanescence - Imaginary
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they’re falling tell a story
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos- your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
TheIn my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me nightmare I built my
own world to escape
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light
non understandable.
January 28
people dont understand the way i work. but hey how could they. and i'm not going to tell unless they ask and well they dont ask. i'm very shy. to me, i'm so unworthy to go up to someone. so its like if they think that i'm not good enough to talk to them then they wont talk to me. if they want my op then they ask for it. otherwise i wont tell. at bowling..varsity makes me sad. i'm glad to be on it. but like the girls on it are all close and they talk about stuff that i dont know about. so i dont try to listen. all the guys know them by name and they talk to them. like i could go up to a guy and start a convo. hah. yeah riiight. so they cheer the other girls on. but not me. so i'm not flirty like them and i'm not preppy and i dont wear my pants really low and my shirts cut off to short and i dont have natural beauty. i dont really have any. i dont have a great body. i'm a no assed-chubbie tummied ugly chick. i'm not fun to hang out with until i can warm up to you. other wise i'm quiet and shy. but once i get used to having someone around and getting comfortable talking to them, they see my loud side. really i'm a loud person who likes to joke around and be funny and whatnot. i dont know what to say to people sometimes. its like i dont get into enough covosations that i dont know what to say or how to act when i get into one. its just so hard for me and they dont understand. i bowled bad today because i couldn't concentrate cause i thought too much about stuff like this. ::sighs:: i let my team down because i just want to be accepted. how selfish is that. but its not like i did it on pourpose. homework..then sleep. <3 <3
come into the land of the twilight
January 27
today was a long and tirering day. worst part was my english teacher cause she was a bitch today. but she is a lot of days. i guess bry was really busy today cause he never came on. but i think he has a speech thing coming up so yeah he should pratice. 8) go, fight, win! lol. well pretty much all i did after bowling was get on and wait for him. yay. i might be going to leila's on friday. and alx might be coming over so the can blow shit up. oh yay. yeah. well i'm going to get some sleep cause yeah..school sucks. <3
would you find it in your heart to make this go away
January 26
well not much happened to day. other than i was called to the office cause i was one a like ten students to make student of the month. we got some coupons and t shirts that say we were student of the month. and then on thurs we are going to some country club to go eat lunch with the priciple. its cool but i'm like soo anti social and i have to spend a few hours with people i dont know..oh yay. but atleast i'll miss some classes. i gotten to talk to bry a little more often but yeah its cause hes grounded. its like hey why isn't he grounded more often. wow i'm so horrible. but its like he has to be grounded to be able to have time to talk to me. ahh there i go again. i'm so horrible. maybe he isn't grounded anymore cause that was like a week ago..but i dunno he hasn't told me. he like asks me so he can know the truth about somethings but i dont think he is ready for the truth. its like he asks but it hurts him to know. well i'm just gald that i get to talk to him, its really nice. well i'm just going to listen to music until its time for bed. not much else to do. <3
P.O.D - Will You
See you sittin' next to the window in the bedroom
She breaks down - breaks down
Crying over something and starin' into nothin'
Afraid now - hate now
Wanting, needing, haunting, it's killing me
Faking what has happened to live the life like that man
I'll break down - It's fake now
Will you, will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?
Fade in and out of reason to fight the way she's feelin'
She breaks down - breaks down
Going through the motions and holding onto hopes
and her dreams now - somehow
Shaken, mistaken, forsaken, it's killing me.
Wishing you could change, but he's always been this way
If you leave now - I'll drown
Will you, will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?
Will you, will you be here tomorrow?
So Will You, you remember yesterday?
Yesterday! Yesterday!
Yesterday! Yesterday!
This time, I'm sorry
This time, I'm sorry
This time, this time, I'm sorry for this time
This time, this time, I'm sorry
This time I'm sorry!
Will you, Will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?
Will you, Will you be here tomorrow?
So Will You, you remember yesterday?
mini poem
the minutes pass by, the days go on, time seems to slow. lost for words i seem to be, but if wrong i've done…know i'm here, know i'm sorry, know i'm hurt, know i'm waiting, and waiting is what i'll do, and to death if i have to. ...i know its dumb but i felt like writing it anyways. <3
"If I told you this was killing me, would you stop"
January 24
i've cired so much this week. shaun still not talking to me is a big thing right now cause i dont even know why. i mean what if i did something so horrible and i dont even know it. but then i do what i best at. making things worse by thinking. all the time now i just keep thinking that my friends in iowa wont want to be friends with me anymore. i feel even more distant than we really are. i feel like shes going to make more friends than not need me anymore. i mean the whole her making lots of friends is great i'm so glad 8D!! but she is my best friend and means so much to me. i just dont want her to go away. or forget about me or something. i just been thinking about a lot of stuff and crying most of the time. one good thing tho is that i get to talk to bry more. but its cause he got grounded. 8 well i'm glad tho. cause i want to talk him. i wish loren would get on. but unlike me he has a life and acctually goes out and does things. maybe when like the sky is green and the grass is blue my mum wont be the way she is about everything. so pray for blue grass!! <3 <3
Blue Monday- Orgy
How does it feel to treat me like you do
When you've laid your hands upon me
And told me who you are
I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me
How do I feel tell me now
How do I feel
How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel?
To treat me like you do
Those who came before me
Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They'll turn away no more
And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today
I see ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortunes
I'd be a heavenly person today
And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard you speak
Tell me now
How should I feel
Now I stand here waiting...
I thought I told you to leave me
While I walked down to the beach
Tell me how does it feel
when your heart grows cold
How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel?
To treat me like you do
yeah mhmm.
January 15
not much has been going on lately. i just been thinking a lot about a lot of things. sometimes feeling like shit and sad for no damn reason and whatnot. i had finals this week but then i get a four day weekend. which is really needed right now. i'm really tired from have to wake up earlier than i normally do. x__x that was hell. well not really much to say right now. maybe i'll think of something to talk about later..or maybe not..well i guess i'll just have to see. <3
too much crying for these sad eyes
January 12
Shaun wont talk to me, Megan doesn't need me anymore, Bryant has kelli and doesn't love me anymore and Loren is just so far away..alone..i'm so stupid..stupid..
sick
December22
in bowling i got a 203 a little while ago. but my other games were crap so i didn't get a great series. i went to leilas on satuday night and i got sick. so yeah right now i'm sick. its not very fun x__x. my sister is coming tomorrow i can't wait 8). she is staying until the 28 but then on the 29 we are going to roswell. bleh. i'm so gald to be spending the holidays with my sister cause i didn't get to last year ;-;. well yeah i cant think right now cause my brain is mush. <3
Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson
Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
I've lost my lights
I toss and turn I can't sleep at night
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love
Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
You think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love
Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love
Tainted love
cluster fuck
Decmember 14
well i just got back from and early hanukkah dinner. my cousins are going to hawaii over break so since they aren't going to be here we did it early. this big stupid mess started on thurs. we had a game and i bowled a 146, 122, 133 and thoes arn't bad scores. if you ask me. a good 130 something average. it was great. and i was glad that i still bowled well on my third game cause i was getting weak. leila bowled a 113, 161, and 162. i mean thats okay but shes never consistant. you never know if she'll do well or not. and she screwed over her average with that game. okay so here i was seeing four pins when there were only two and my 14lb ball felt like 40lbs. i was so dizzy and tired. so when we were done my dad carried my ball and i was resting in the back seat on the way home. i didn't talk to darryl or leila on the way back cause i was trying to sleep and it wasn't like they were talking to me. but when we dropped leila off i sed bye and the same with darryl. then leila goes home and talks to amanda and darryl saying shit like i was mad at her and jealous of her 160 games and shit. atleast darryl stood up for me but amanda and leila kept on going on about their shit about me. and no one asks me a damn thing. if i think that someone might be mad at me, i ask them so we can get it worked out. i dont assume and then talk shit about it to their friends so all their friends hate them and they are left alone with no one to talk to. after i hear about it i'm kinda pissed and sad of course i cry and shit about it. then she ims me like she hasn't done anything and like i dunno anything. and i didnt talk to her that much. i mean after i lose my friends because of soemone i dont really want to talk to them. then the next day at school, i didn't really talk to her but i waited for her in our usual spots. she took a while after history to get her things and i waited for her. but darryl ditched me but he said it was cause he didn't want to see leila after all the shit she said to me. we had an assembaly that day and i went to our usual spot but she wasn't there. so i went there alone. i sat with some fellow bowlers. the she sends me this email about how she would have sat with me but since i didn't talk to her at lunch, she didn't know where to meet. its like hello, one, she could have asked me and i would have told her. its not like she talked to me either. and two, everytime we've gone to an assemably we've always meet infront of these pop machines. i dunno what happened to make that change. on saturday when we had league she said she was sorry for the way she acted and i said its okay. but she never said sorry for saying shit about me. i know i shouldn't still be pissed but i am cause she hasnt said sorry for say shit about me. well i'm going to listen to some music then hit the sack. <3
chicken.
December 10
well my internet browser has been a meanie head latly. i but guess its working now since i was able to get to a site. yay! yesterday i tried for like a half hour to get it to work and it didnt so i got pissed and stopped. yesterday i had a game. well our first game which was on thurs dec 4 i also got to play on varsity. i made seventh place over all which places me second on JV but 2 of the girls were gone so leila and i both got to play. well i did better than her by ten pins so today when one girl was gone from varsity i got bumped up instead of her. she got really mad and didn't talk to me. i did well tho. i bowled a 158, 161, 164 giving me a 161 average. i was really nervious and happy that i got to play on varisy cause of all the havoic last year. vrasity won all three games and total. leila totally blew me off afterwards. then today at school she still talked to me sometimes but in a way she still kinda ignored me. its hard to expalin. i just wish that us being friends that this woudn't get to her. and she'd be happy for me. blarg. i know this will clear up soon. ::sighs:: well i'm off to go do..stuff. i dunno yet. prolly go in my room lisen to music and stare at the wall like i spend most of my time doing. i have no life. <3
Duvet - Serial Experiments Lain
And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading
I have lost it all
And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame then I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle lit smile that we both share
and you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
cold.
December 5
i haven't written in a while. i don't know why because i've had a lot of things that i've wanted to write about but i just didn't. i really dont have an excuse. well last night i had bowling and i played on varsity cause two of the girls were gone. but i didn't do that great. i got a new ball. its a hammer and its purlpe and back. its 14 cause my other one was a 13lb. well tonight i have to go to a two year olds birthday party. i really dont want to go but mum said that i had to. well i am so tired. i'm going to watch some tv or play some sega then take a nap. <3
yesterday
November30
omg the two craziest things happened to me yesterday. first thing..i was watching tv really late the other night(rentals were sleepin) and my cat started making weird noises and i tried to wake her up and she would make more noises and then she stared twitching. well my cats getting old, so here i am totally flipping out and trying not to wake my patrents. but after about ten mins of me running around worried out of my mind my cat wakes up and looks at me like i'm a stupid crazy person. then i hugged her and was all happy and i gave her some water and she drank it like she was in the hot desert for two days without water. okay second thing..it was totally scary. i was in the shower and i was just like standing there and it was really hot and steamy and i like moved to quickly and i fell into the wall. at least i came to my senses before i like slid down the wall and like hit my face on something and like bled to death. but it like freaked me out so like i quickly turned off the shower and got out and went into my room and laid down for a bit. well i guess i'll shut up now. <3
nov 28
do you know what you've done? how could you? you have no idea do you? you have no idea...< /3
Never There - Cake
I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, you’re never there
On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say you’re too busy
I wonder if you even miss me
Never there
You’re never there
You’re never, ever, ever, ever there
A golden bird that flies away, a candle’s fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
A golden bird that flies away, a candle’s fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby
Take the time to get to know me
If you want me why can’t you just show me
We’re always on this roller coaster
If you want me why can’t you get closer?
Never there
You’re never there
You’re never ever ever ever there
pillows
Turkey Day
last night i stayed up to watch adult swim. i got through futurama and family guy and while i was watching inu yasha i decied to head in for the night. i had just recently watched that ep and the english dubbing sucks. i slept in until one this afternoon. i woke up feeling like shit and i had a latte and started geitting ready. my eyes hurt and i very tired feeling cause i slept for so long. i got like 12-13 hours of sleep..thats way too much. its like quater to eight and we just got home like ten mins ago. we went to tracy's which is like 45 mins away. whenever we have get togethers i always bring stuff to do cause i'm antisocial and i dont want to go anywhere near the kids they dive me nuts. so i brought drawing stuff and my cds. my cousin bob brought one of his japanese friends and we talked a bit and whatnot. she was amazed by how much japanese music i listen to. which turthfully isnt that much. she said that if i wanted she could burn me some music that she has. well i'm waiting to see if maybe loren will get on tonight cause i wanted to talk to him since the last couple days both of us have been busy and we've barley gotten to talk. well i guess i'll work on my story for a bit. <3
Moshi Moshi - Brand New
I think I'm crazy, baby, let you off the hook to easy
If you were a telephone, you'd still be off the hook
This is my last leg
Been awake for days
In a minute I'll die of starvation
I'll come back a ghost if I can haunt you
and float around your room.
What do I do when you get close?
If I kissed your neck, would you slit my throat?
Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your makeup,
darling, and dying your hair like you do
Well you're wasting time if you're trying to impress me
I waste all my time just thinking of you
And I'm not imagining how you give me the shivers,
standing up to your waste in your river
You're the sweetest boat-builder I think I've ever seen
Dream in Japanese, dream in Japanese,
some language I don't even know how to speak
You're still pretty and I am still choked up,
it's probably just the same
The more I hang around you,
the more hang-ups I get (more hang-ups I get)
Are you thinking of me when you're putting on your makeup, darling,
and dying your hair like
you do? (dying your hair like you do)
Well you're wasting time if you're trying to impress me
I waste all my time just thinking of you
I know that you're an angel,
though you could never stay true (you could never stay true)
Hey angel, I think your halo has a screw loose,
'cause you dropped me like a brick off the rooftop of your high school
Could I watch the next time you're applying your eyeliner?
I waste all my time just thinking of you
::covered in paint::
November 25
today i woke up feeling really tired even tho i went to bed really early last night. i went to school and even tho i wore layers of clothes i still froze all day. it was a pretty normal and boring day. i came home and got on the puter and no one was on. just before dinner i was pratcing some calligraphy and then i worked on this painting that i am working on for ap studio art. then i ate dinner which was a bowl of home made chicken soup. i finally got something in the mail from one of the colleges i was looking at today. after dinner i worked on my painting until now. i've been listening to .hack//sign and FLCL music today. ever since i got home i've had my diskman on. well i'm going to sit here on the puter for a bit longer and then i'm going to go to sleep. <3
Bandages - Hot Hot Heat
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Up and down on my legs my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
These bandages cover more than scrapes, cuts and bruises from regrets and mistakes
I've been hoping your moping around the street again
I've been tripping from sipping the dripping dirty water tap
I've been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know I made
These bandages are anonymity
I've been shaking from making an awful decision
I've been running and running
feels like my head is spinning round and round, around, around, around, around, around
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Up and down on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
I've been hoping your moping around the street again
I've been tripping from sipping the dripping dirty water tap
I've been poking a voodoo doll that you do not know I made
For you, of you, let's see what needles do
I've been shaking from making an awful decision
I've been thinking I'm drinking too many drinks all by myself
I've been running and running
Feels like my head is spinning round and round, around, around, around, around, around
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Up and down on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don’t worry cause it's all under control
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don’t worry cause it's all under control
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don’t worry cause it's all under control
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don’t worry cause it's all under control
Don't worry now, don't worry now, don’t worry cause it will all turn around,
around, around, around, around, around, around, around
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Up and down on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Up and down on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Bandages, bandages, bandages
Bandages, bandages, bandages
malls can suck sometimes...okay more than that
November 24
mum made me go to the mall with her and walk. yeah thats it walk. cause she says that i dont get enough excersize..well i dont but still. it blows. that reminds me i'm really thirsty but i wanted to see if loren was on and i totally forgot...well brb..lol..ah okay thats much better. well i found out that loren still reads this..i thought everyone gave up on it since i didnt' update it. well loren if you read this..i just wanted to say thanks for all the nice things you've said to me and stuff..8) there is this guy that is in two of my classes, dan, hes being really nice to me. i'm way shy so i dont have enough guts to talk to him. but hes been baring with me and letting me write him letters whenever i have a question. liela always makes fun of me and says that i like, like him. but i dont. i admire him and he is really smart. he speaks his mind and people make fun of him but he still standing in the end..i guess is a way to put it. there is something that i am interested in that he knows stuff about so i wanted to ask him if he knew any websites or books that i should check out and i worte him a note asking that and i was too nervious to give it to him..i'm all weird like that. its like the people that i want to get to know are so hard for me to talk to sometimes. but i like messengers because then i dont have to worry about looking someone in the eye and i can talk to them easier and then i can get to know them. but some people that i want to get to know i can easily talk to. like loren it wasn't hard for me to talk to him and i thought he was pretty cool. ^^; huh loren? lol. well i guess i'll stop blabbing on about nonsence. you have to admit loren..i do kinda write about boring and stupid stuff huh...well night <3
I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
chiiiiizuuu
November 24
ra ri ho! konban wa minna san. genki? ah? watashi? ano...maa maa..chotto..ano honto wa genkija arimasen. ahh i'm so bad at nihongo, ne? ahh sou ne. well yeah. so okay yeah well if anything is wrong well maybe i'll fix it in my later years. even tho that i was japanese one stuff and i'm a third year but hey..i easily froget now a days. ::sighs:: blarg. today started out really slow but it picked up the pace as it went on, thankfully. well i still haven't talked to bryant so i guess i'll give up on waiting and hoping for him to come back. well i guess i know that he will sometime and prolly do the same thing he did this time...made it like he cared about how i felt and how he is going to come on more often and talk to me. ::sighs:: and i'll believe him and be sooooooooooooooo happy and then everything will be crushed like a bug. yay..can't wait for that to happen. and everyone knows that i'll be thinking about him the whole time while i'm sure he's forgotten about me and then he'll come back and i'll fall for it and truly think..that he really wanted to talk to me..does he know that it torments me..why must i cry over something so stupid. well i guess i better go splash some water on my face and get rid of these tears cause dinner is ready. i'll write again later i think.. <3
moshi anataga ireba motto ii desu
November 22
well yesterday after school we went shopping cause my aunt lee was here. then today i had bowling and then we went shopping again. haha my aunt loves to shop and there are loooots of places to shop at in vegas. this morning i woke up at six and couldnt go back to sleep x__x i'm really tired. it feels really late even tho its only quater ot seven. i haven't talked to bryant yet which totally blows. ::sighs:: okay back to shopping. so yesterday i got a few things such as some new earings and i got one for my cartilidge piercing and i didn't know how to get the one i got it peirced without. but loren knew and he told me and it was so easy i felt really stupid. but i changed it and my new one is the shit. today we went to the swap meet and i got a tea set because mine is in storage. this one is black and the one in storage is white. but i still need to get one of the ball strainer things(i used to know what they were called lol) but yeah i need to get one of thoes so i can buy this loose tea that is soooooooooo good from this one store in the fashion mall. well we are going to go to the mall hehe. shopping again ^^;; well yeah..bai <3
meow
Novenber 20
well my aunt is coming within the next hour or so and shes staying until monday. today i spent my day cleaning and then i did my homework and took some of thoes quiz things. i like taking thoes 8). i'm really tired tho and its only eight. i want to talk to bryant but he hasn't been on since like the one time he was on. i guess it was too good to be true huh. yeah.. well kelli just signed on and said that she just got back from being at hie house. jeez its 10 there. well i can't say that he should have been on the comp talking to me instead of being with he girlfriend cause thats wrong and mean and whatnot and well i want him happy more than i want him i waste his time talking to me. too bad i'm sure he wont get online tonight which totally sucks cause i'm going to be busy all weekend cause of my aunt. so who knows when we'll catch eachother again. i just wish he would get on and talk to me like hes going to be on everyday if he can just so he can try to talk to me. but he never signs on. well i guess idunno if he ever signs on or not but he isnt on when ever i'm on and lately i've been on as much as i can so i can talk to him. but i never got to. i just hope that he doesn't start never coming on and being on for short periods of time and not saying goodbye before he signs off. man i am being so selfish arent i.. but the only thing i want is to talk to him but i think thats a lot to ask for. well i have to go change my sheets and blow up an air matress for me to sleep on for the weekend. well i'll update sometime later. now i've just made myslef all sad and shit so i'm going to go be by myself for a while and hope that i can stop feeling shitty... <3
When You're Gone - Cranberries
Hold onto love that is what I do now that I've found you.
And from above everything's stinking, they're not around you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
But I'll miss you when you're gone, that is what I do. Hey, baby!
And it's going to carry on, that is what I do. Hey, baby...
Hold onto my hands, I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything's stinking, stinking without you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
But I'll miss you when you're gone, that is what I do. Hey, baby!
And it's going to carry on, that is what I do. hey, baby...
spelling live backwards.
november 13
okay well i haven't been on the comp in forever and a day. its been broken or dads been on it or i've just haven't gotten on. i know so not like me its crazy. well i've been all down and stuff cause of bowling tryouts but today didn't go that bad. but i'm throwing my ball differently. i used to thorw a back up ball but now i throw a curve. i have two more days of tryouts. i just hope i make varsity cause of all that shit last year. ::sighs:: i had a four day weekend this last weekend and on monday i went to a korn concert and i was deaf in my left ear until today. haha. tuesday was a ickie day. yesterday i praticed bowling in my living room it was funny. and something weird happened. outta no where bryant is on and hes all talking to me and saying how sorry he is for not talking to me in so long and whatnot. i mean it was out of plain no where. i was like whoa! he said that he stayed home from school so he would talk to me and he sent me an e-card it was really nice. i was really glad to talk to him. he said he'd be on today he even sent me an email before he left for school saying that he would be on..but hes not. i'll wait for a long as i can but mum doesn't want me on that long and whatnot. well i'll update later or something..<3
insert title here
October 29
well today was weird. well the smoke from the fires in cali blew into vegas and it made it hard to breath and it made my eyes hurt. we had to eat lunch inside. we also had art club and we made beadie-babies. i used to be the master of thoes so while everyone else only could make one i made two. they all loved my rice crispy treats that i made 8). i've had a way off mood day today. i've just been feeling like crap and more lazy than usual. i got an application at barnes and noble and so did leila.. i dunno i guess. just it made me feel all funny and icky. blek well i'm going to watch the tube for an while.
marine science
same as last
this isn't ranting or venting, i just decided that i didn't to update my other journal. form the first day of school this one guy knew right away how i was. he knew that i was quiet not because i want to be left alone but because i'm shy and i dont know how to act around people i dont know. so he and these other two chicks and this other guy talk to me and what not. well the two girls are named louren and alena. the guy who i was first talking about is Kord and the other kid is jason. well kord keeps trying to get it so i'll tell him off or something. but i dun wanna. he doesn't really bother me. tho he tries to bother me..but it just dosesn't work out, lol. and the other day he thought i called him an ass but i really didn't. and so he just told me to tell him to fuck off or call him an asshole or something(which hes not). well i said to him that if he just wanted me to cuss that i would so i said 'i can say fuck it you want' then jason was like 'she said that she'd fuck if you want.' i was like nooooooooo thats not what i said you meanie 8p! it was funny. when i'm unhappy they always try to cheer me up and its really nice. tho lately i've been more than usual. bleh. oh yeah, i got my pictures developed from when i went to iowa and i cut some out and put them on my binder 8D its the coolest ever. most of them are of megan and two of them are andy and then there are someothers. well there is my happie moment mood thing...yeah. so night <3
veeeeeeeeeeeeeeent
Oct. 28
i didn't date my last post because my other journal does it automatically so i forgot..but it was yesterday. well here is my convo with megan.
Ash: moshi anata ga ireba motto ii desu. says:
my mum wanted to know if you've talked to your mum about coming yet?
Megan says:
I did, and my mom said that I most likley couldn't because it'll be too expensive and I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out, but she'll think about it some more
which most likely means that shes not coming. so there goes my whole christmas break. i should have known better to think that something as great as her coming could really happen.
i took a quiz thing and its all true. but when i read some of the other answers i found out that some of them are just like me too. 
You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
leila keeps talking about darren and whatnot. i mean its great and i'm happy for her..but it makes me think or bryant. i just wish that he would think about my feelings for once. i mean it made me sad..him gettin with kelli and all, but it didn't mean i hated him. him not talking to me anymore is totally killing me. i mean i talked to him once since my birthday(march 4), but he has tried to talk to me two other times but i was away and i didn't know he was on. and its like it would kill him to wait for me.. hes never on anymore. and when he is, he leaves without saying bye and doesn't come back. i always wait until the last min that i can stay on before mum blows smoke out of her ears. i miss him a lot. more than he can imagine. and i just want to talk with him. kelli gets on often and i talk to her sometimes..but i never mention bryant. but she likes to rub in my face that she has such a great boyfriend and whatnot. thats sooo nice. <_< last winter break bryant was sick and while i was in roswell my cusion made me a wish star and you write on the inside and then she folded it up and it became a 3D star. well on the inside i wished for him to have good health and happiness. and it came true but i'm not a aprat of it ::sighs:: i just wish that he would come on more so that i could talk to him. its just..blarg i dunno ::sighs:: i'm going to go see if i can hitch a ride to the mall and maybe best buy so i can get some new anime or something.
rant
well i decided to update this because i needed some where to vent and i can't in my other journal because my friends read it. i dont think anyone reads this anymore. cause i kinda stopped updating and because my journals aren't that fun to read and my layouts are always breaking. but onto my venting. i'm totally jealous of my friends in iowa. not because they are having fun or anything like that. its just that..i never know whats going on anymore with my friends. i really want to stay in touch and whatnot but they arent helping not telling me things. i wish my friend megan could tell me stuff once in a while...or call me. i know when we do get on the phone with eachother that we dont really say much(we aren't phone people) but i mean if she'd make the effort to call me. i mean it makes me feel wanted and whatnot. i dunno if she understands how much i miss her. i dont want her sad over me leaving..i know that she misses me too. its so hard without them. if i could live there i would but mum wont let me. i cry so many times because i miss my friends and my life. its not like i haven't tried to live or anything. i have friends. but no one is megan. no one is well everyone else(thats quite a bit of people) i still am able to take japanese like i wanted but its not fun anymore. i'm not learning as much, eveyone in iowa is way ahead. and plus..i have no friends in my japanese class. in iowa i knew everyone. it was nice. i really want megan to come for christmas. i mean really bad. but i keep getting my hopes up and i have a bad feeling that they are just going to get crushed. i dont want to feel that way, but it will most likely happen. because it is something that is so important to me, that i'm sure its going to go wrong, dammit there i go doing it again. megan might be doing drugs. i'd be really dissapointed if she is. be she never tells me anything so hey, i wouldn't know. okay now that i'm sobbing and a total mess i geuss i should stop ranting. no one wants to hear it. not that anyone reads this or cares.
::curls up in a blanket::
July 20
08:15 p.m.
well today was the latest i've slept in, in the last week or so and it was until like 10:30. we went looking for houses today about noon, but nothing that we look at we liked, we could totally afford right now. there was this one that was really cool that i really liked and it had a nice sized room for me but someone had already bid on it and it had got to exspensive. while we were driving around i was listening to music and reading sattered mirror, a really good book by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes. then when i got home i went in my room and read until four or so cause i finished the book. i want to go get her other book that just came out on paperback recentaly midnight predator. she did write another book called hawksong but it just came out on the 8th and if i wanted to read it i'd have to get it with my own money. but i'll survive and i'll wait until it comes out in paperback then mum will get it for me. unless i got a job cause if i did i'd get it mahself but i'm not really good at anything so yeah. okay well i'm getting tired and i have school tomorrow, joy..
::seeps into the floor::
July 20
08:03 p.m.
people dont know me but yet they still judge me. they think that they know me but truly they dont. there is not one person who i've shared everything with. megan prolly is the one preson who knows most things about me. not that anyone wishes to share things with me. sometimes i wonder if people knew a lot a things about me, then they wouldn't want to know me anymore. tho now there are things that i do or dont do for reasons but they dont know. they say they want to know, but do they really. sometimes i dont even know why i act like i do. sometimes i can't help it..
::drinks orange juice:: =9
July 19
10:35 a.m.
well i was going to sleep in until noon or so today but mah cat woke me up at 6:45 and then again at 8:30 so i got up then cause i couldn't go back to sleep. i dont know what i'm going to do today prolly just another day of sitting on mah ass doing nothing. well i'm going to make mahself some breakfast and stuffs. i might add another entry later.
::melts into the Fridayness::
July 18
04:01 p.m.
Yay! i'm so glad its friday! i finally get to sleep in whoo hoo. gah i keep getting into dazes @__@ frekkie. well today has been sooooo boring. i have just sat on mah ass all day watching tv. which to me isn't that exciting and i dont do it very often. i wish i could to to mah friend leila's house but mum wont let me ::sighs:: today i had a test and i thought it was going to have all these long ass problems that we have been woking on lately but there wasn't a single one of thoes. just other stuff we had been working on so it was really easy and it didn't take me vary long before i finished. there was this extra credit thing on the back and i was able to get 9 out of 20 but it was really hard and it didn't even have anything to do with math =| but yeah..mah teacher is weird like that. we played some games that also didn't have anything to do with math and then we took some notes x__x gah too many notes in that damn class. then we got a work sheet thing that was one of thoes things that say like uhh lets see if i can remember one...oh yeah it sed, 29 D in F in a L Y and you had to figure out what it ment and it means 29 days in February in a leap year..yeah i hate thoes. and these people kept talking so we have a seating chart now :sighs: the good part is, is that i'm still in the back(i like the back..tho i always seem to be put in the front) but i'm all the way on the right side and well i can see and all but its just not fun too have to look not forward when your taking notes. plus i'm crammed up aginst the tv =| which i have no idea why its there cause its an algebra class..dur dont need a damn tv in there to squish me! if i was any further away from it i'd be on top of the guy next to me =|. well yesterday i went to a Mac King show with mah cousin Jon that i met last week. i swear mah family gets bigger by the second. o__o;; its crazy. well anyways it was really cool. if you haven't heard of Mac King, he does magic and comedy stuff. i thought i was going to pee mah pants he was so funny. at the end i got a free book of magic tricks and jokes that he wrote and he signed it for me. jon had to buy his own stuff cause i was broke and we only had one coupon. hehe. and before the show jon went bought us strawberry daquris they were yummy. and i jacked his cherry muahahahaha. he was like uh okay you can have it. then he was like no wait i want it but i had already eaten it muahahahhahaa >D i am eebil. we got there really early so we could get seats and good ones. well we tipped the d00d that seated people ten$ so he let up pick any seat in the house. so we sat really close. it was in the 'second row' or something like that lol. jon always carries a deak of cards with him. he does magic as well. its cool to watch him cause he is pretty good. so we played a couple rounds or gin and then we played war but we didn't get to finish. after the show and stuff we went to this place to eat called jasons deli that i had never been to before. it was good. it was funny cause jon lost the ticket that had our # on it and stuff. then we couldn't find the straws. so i went and sat down while he kept looking for the straws. well i look up and there are these two box like things that have written on them in big letters 'STRAWS' so i went up there a showed him. haha we are both blind and stupid sometimes. haha. my parents came and met us there and natalie was there. she was our transportation. after dinner we said our goodbyes cause jon left today at noon. after that we went to the bookstore cause there was one right next to the deli. i got shattered mirror cause it finally came out in paper back w00t and i got this book called the last of the really great whangdoodles. which its pretty sad that i've been looking for that book for six years now and i didn't totally know the whole title or who it was by and when i asked no one knew what i was talking about until a few weeks ago i decided to be smart for once in my life and i guessed how to spell whangdoodle and i searched for it on amazon. and guess what, even tho i spelled it wrong it still found it(i forgot the H) and there it was the book i had been searching for, for six years. now its a childrens chapter book and all like sixth grade reading level but i've been wanting to read it since i heard about it in the fifth grade. is that crazy or wat. well i guess you all didn't really care about that but i thought i'd share it with you anyways for no reason. well i'm going to sit around and be bored and hopefully loren will come on soon so i can talk to him. loren get on!! dammit ;-; i can't wait to go home!!!!! w00t! i'll be there in two weeks! luff yah all and mishles. talk to you all soon! yay!
::falls asleep::
July 15
08:53 p.m.
well i've gotten like -80% sleep since summer school started. i am so tired u__u ::passes out on keyboard:: zzzzZZZ. it really sucks. five hours a day of algebra and i didn't even faaaaail ;-; well today i got sick and i threw up luckly i made it to the bathroom so hopefully no one knows. well i've been sitting around watching tv all day. x__x i havent watched this much tv in years. i dunno what happened but i used to watch tv 24/7 but i just dont any more. 17 more days until i go to iowa whoo hoo! i can't wait to see everyone. megan and i are counting down ^^. well i'm tired time fur some sleep before i have to get up before six tomorrow ;-;
::passes out from intense heat::
July 8
01:54 p.m.
wow its been about a month since i last did an entry. i'm just being lazy =|..yeah. well i start summer school soon. its really stuid i didn't even fail and they are making me take it over again. :sighs: oh well. its only two weeks. but its five hours a day of algerbra..thats harsh x__x but i can't wait until its over cause it ends the 31 and on the 1 i leave fer iowa!! yay! i can't wait. i mishles everyone so much. yeah i need to get a new layout made i know. i will while i'm in iowa. it'll prolly be another D.N.Angel one. =) wheeeeeee. well i'm getting hungry cause i got up at noon and i've been on the puter since so i got to go eat breakfast now lol. yeah..okay we all know i'm crazy
::drowns::
Sunday, June 1
05:54 p.m.
Yesterday was one of the greatest days. i got to go swimming with mah boyfriend haz =D it was so much fun. leila and her bf mike came too. we swam for a long time. hehe. and some of the time we just sat on the stairs. but i kept floating away lol. then we took turns showering and then got ready to go it cause it was like 5:30 then. we went out fur pizza and we walked to the movie store cause it was right next store. we picked out a movie and then we went to leila's house and watched it. the we took every the guys home and i slept at leilas house. when we got up i helped leila with her chores and then we went swmming agian. mike came but haz couldn't come cause he was studying fur the finals that we have next week. ugh x__x
::dies from coughing::
Friday, May 30
11:39 p.m.
well i just got back from mah first concert. i'd have to say it wasn't the best thing and it wasn't as great as i wanted it to be. mah friend leila was supposed to come with me but something happened and she couldn't go. and mah cousin couldn't come cause he had to work so i went with one of his friends. she was nice. well the concert was MXPX, which i never heard before but i really liked them, Good Charlotte and New Found Glory. i went mostly for GC. but NFG was really fun to watch. and they really got the crowd going. this guy behind me ruined the whole thing for me. he kept buggin me and so mah mood went down hill from there. i did get some stuff tho. i got two shirts, one poster and a beanie. all GC stuff. i was going to get some of the other bands stuff but i decided aginst it. ::shurgs:: one of the things that i hate most about las vegas is that i have killer allergies here. i've been sick for the last two weeks x__x! and mah cough is really bad right now cause there were people smoking and there was fog and shit. today was the last day of real school. i'm finshed on wed. but all next week is just finals. but i have to take summer school, which really blows. mah whole summer is messed now. i can't got to iowa when i was anymore and i'm not going to the con anymore :sighs: o well. i told mah parents that i wanted to go to the book store cause i wanted to get catcher and the rye. i told mah dad that i also wanted to 'look' but i guess he forgot that fact and mah parents thought they would do me a favor by going to get it for me, while i'm at school, so i dun have to go. i didnt say anything but i was pissed. i mean how could they think i would not want to go to the book store. i love that place. maybe they knew i'd spend hours in there =| and they didn't wanna be there that long, i dunno but i'm going to have to make them take me soon. gawd i need a job, so i can get some money, so i can go get mah perment and then get a car so i could go do shit when i want. though i'm sure if i did have a car mum wouldn't let me go and do stuff anyways :sighs: i can't wait until tomorrow ^__^ i'm going swimming with liela, mike, and haz and leila's step dads companys house thing...yeah. well its going to be hella fun. well i acctually want to get some sleep to night so i'll shut up for now. i'll try to get back in the habit of updating. well g-night ::falls alseep::
heh loooooooong time, ne? ::falls over into the abyss::
April 11
10:35 p.m.
yeah i haven't sed much in a while tho a lot has been going on. well lets go back to mah 16th b-day. well that sucked ass. well i was sick and i couldn't eat much. at mah party i invited four firends cause thats really all i have. but only two showed, one didn't cause she couldn't and one just didn't show even tho he sed he was coming. so it was me, leila, allen, and a bunch of mah family...it was a lot of family. well allen and leila were fighting the whole time so i just sat there a listened. when it was time fur cake i got two peices, one chocolate with chocolate frosting and one white with white icing. they were made by mum, mums cakes are the best. well i haven't had them in a while cause she doesnt make them much anymore. so i try to eat mah cake and i get a few bites before i couldnt eat anymore. and everyone ate mah chocolate cake before i got a chance :sighs: and no one even saved me a peice. =| well when it came around to mah real birthday we went out. i mean yeah i like the place a lot and all but remember people i can't eat x__x! and i wanted mum to make someting =9..but no =( we went out. and i sat there while mah mum, dad, grandparents, and sister and mah bro-in-law sat and talked and had a good time as they ignored me. i had a little tiny bit of mashed potaos and a little bit of ice cream. it sucked. and i cried mah slef to sleep. :sighs: yes i know i have probs and i haven't gotten over this yet -__-;; well moving on. how about we skip a lot of shit and move on to the other day. well mah sister had a miscarrage so mum said she go visit her. and i wanted to go to..cause i mean this is iowa shes going to, so i really wanted to go cause then i could slip a visit to megan. so she says she'll try to find a cheap flight but she doesn't so right now shes in iowa and i'm still here in vagas and mum gets to see meg without me ;-; then i have this thing that when i think about it i freak out so the other night(tho it is a diff night from the one about mum heh..) i rocked and cried mah self to sleep. and yah know i've just been feeling like shit fur no damned reason and then i just feel worst and ::falls over:: yeah okay well as i have sed a lot of shit you prolly stopped reading a loooooong time ago i'll shut up now... good night.
::falls out of tree:: thud..
Febuary 17
08:43 p.m.
well still sick as ever x_x! i hope i dun have broncaidus again..(riight as we know i can't spell..but i know wat i'm talking about..not that, that really matters...=|). that would really suck. maybe i should go to the doctors even tho i dun like them :falls over:: x_x! but the last time i had it i was sick fur 3 weeks x_x! iiieeeeee! so far i've been sick 5 days. ::shrugs:: i'm sure i'll be better by friday. i'm going to be so pissed if i'm really sick this weekend cause i wanna go to Queens of the Stone Age!!! dammit and i will. muuuuuuust get bettah. well i think i'm going to retire early nightie niiiiiiiiiiight! ::coughs then faints:: x_x!
::coughs then dies::
i'm so sick ::falls over:: make it end..gawd i just want to curl up and die T_T
::falls off the bed::
febuary 2
07:26 p.m.
on friday we drafted at turnament and i used mah store credit to pay so i could get some legions cards. but now i need to get 10$ so i can pay for the manga that i ordered cause now i'm short. i stayed at leilas friday night and satuday night. on sunday i had to go to a funeral..i cried through the whole thing and i know this may sound really messed but it wasn't cause you know someone died and all cause i didn't even know them even though somehow i am related to them =| but i cried cuase i was scared out of mah mind the whole time cause i'm scared of cemitaries. then we went back to someones house and i ate some pretzels and some rolls and then i ran to the bathroom and threw up so fur the rest of the time i was there i stuck with water. then i came home and took a nap cause mah eyes hurt like hell from all the crying. and that was about it. it spent the rest of mah day until now one the puter..well i did read fur a little while ::shrugs:: well mum says i'have to get off the puter cause i need to have time to get tired cause its sunday. well i'm tired anyways lol..okay i'll shutup now. maybe i'll go to bed anyways x_x
::cires::
January 21
07:21 p.m.
i was going to write an entry but i can't stop crying at the moment..
::runs around nekkie::
January 20
11:42 p.m.
sleep..such a great thing..but yet again maybe not. the things that flow through your mind, your deepest thoughts come fourth and tourcher you. or for me tis so. for lots tis sweet wonderous things that some of us look forward too as the darkness come over the light blue sky. aye, but not me. the darkness comes over my mind in terror and pain. the insane laughter escapes from my lips getting louder and louder. i feel all the feeling of the night before well into the next day. lying in bed the next night wondering what will my coscience will cook up for tonight. will i die. what will it be this time. being beaten, shot, stabed, or will i choke myself. ::shrugs:: its like an everyday thing that i know is coming and yet i dread. though sleeping happens to be on of my favorite things to do..well was.. the best thing is when i dont remember when i don recall the dreams that haunt me until the next dark night falls. i try to think of good things. thats what people say. think happy things before you go to sleep and everything will be okay. well that may work for them but it wont work fur me i've tried. what will it be this time. hmm maybe i'll get luck and not remember, but in such deep sleep that i'll only remember blackness.
::stands alone in a dark room::
January, 17
10:07
another day in life goes by, another leaf blows in the wind. millions of needles..no make that big ass knifes are stabbing every inch of my body. souless, empty, shell of a body. i think i need some sleep..can't you tell. finals ended today and i think i did pretty okay. and getting out of school at 10:45 was nice. well today i watched fruits basket and bawled mah eyes out...and how many times have i seen that ::counts fingers and toes:: hmm i ran out of things to count on lol. i love it though ::sighs:: ^_^ i got the soundtrack today when i went to the comic store. well i think i'm going to go sit in the darkness of my room and cry then sleep and dream about scary shit then wake up and feel shitty! how fun.
::stares at the wall::
January 13
06:16 p.m.
finals start on wed and then i have a four day weekend..that'll be nice. well i feel like shit and i dun know what to say. so uh okay here is a poem i wrote:
I walk inside a tiny place,
Close my eyes and hide my face.
Butterflies dance then flee,
Cause that’s the place I want to be.
Mountains stand beautiful and tall,
Then earthquakes shake and break them all.
Woe is me then you’ll see,
What I can and cannot be.
When I fall then you’ll flee,
Thinking that I’ll be free.
Crying hard and all alone,
All that’s left is my bone.
You are happy I am sad,
But you don’t think that is bad.
I am left alone to cry,
And all you say is goodbye.
I’ll think of all the good times we had,
You’ll be glad we’ve had this fad.
I’ll be forgotten and you’ll be fine,
That I’ve lost to you this time.
yea yea i know i suck at writing and i shouldn't even try -_-;; o well ::shrugs::
::prances around in her jimmy eat world t-shirt that has wings on the back::
January 5
07:57 p.m.
well i have to make this short cause mums being a butt and says i have to get off at eight. well we know thats not going to happen lol. well last night was crummy. i read this really long fic that was really good. and i felt like shit so i cried mah self to sleep. i had the strangest dream in the whole damn world. then mum woke me up at 11 cause i sept in so late yesterday. i sat around all day and finally showered by like 4:30-5 and we went out fur din din at this nice place and we got a free apitizer and dessert and it was really good. i enjoyed it. then we went to target and we just got back and i plopped me self into mah puter chiar and then mum comes in a says five mins then i was like 15 and she was like 8:15?!?! haha no. dammit!! hmm she hasn't sed to get off yet so i'm just going to blab nosence ha ha ha. i called meggie today it was fun ^__^ we were talking aobut mah dream haha and what we are going to the convention as. she was thinking about going as chii and i want to go as toshiya from dir en grey. i'm going to atempt mah outfit x__x but i dun know how its going to turn out. i might mess it up..maybe meggies grandma can help me with it heh heh. its kind hard. beth(mah sister) sed she'll die mah hair fur me. but i hafta ask mum first cause the last time i did it without asking i got in deep shit =| so i'll ask. i know she doesn't want me to have black hair but i wanna see how it will look and NE ways that the color of toshiya's hair. hmm i'm running out of things to blab about..thats prolly a first ^^;;
::jumps over the mountain and gags on the dirty air::
January 3, 2003
04:38 p.m.
i just got back in town from roswell. we were there for too long x__x. christmas was kinda boring plus i was surrounded by millions of carzy little kids =| at new years i got to call D and brandon and say hi and shit and i wish i could have been there. then i called megan and she was having a party and i would have done anything to have been there. i also got to talk to steve, marc, and jonny. i cried i few times while i was at mah uncle's(where the new years party was) cause i didn't want to be there. i keep having this weird feeling like none of this is really happening and someday i'm just going to go back to iowa like nothting happened. i wish this was all a dream but its not =| i can't wait until i graduate cause i'm going back there. this summer i get to see megan and everyone else! YAY!! i can't wait. i'm trying to convince that going to iowa over springbreak is a good idea even though all my friends will be in school but maybe steve will be there ^__~ and we can hang while they all at school. steve you butt you better come visit me soon! gawd i keep getting sick all the time. i've been sick fur the last week x__x normally right now i would be signing off and going to cheese boy to play magic but i'm not up to it tonight x__x so i think i'll just stay home and stare at the ceiling like usual =| exciting ne? haha. acctually i think i might be going to the book store..i love the book store they are the greatest ever ^^;; hehe. man i dun wanna go back to school on monday x__x and then starting the 15 i have finals ::gulps:: iiieeee! i wonder what we are having fur din din since we have no food in the house hmm.. <-- wants to go out..mum well prolly go to the store and buy shit and then make somethin ::shrugs:: why all the work when you've been in the car all day. hmm i think i'm going to give megan all call ::runs fur da phone::
::slips on a banana and falls into a bowl of mashed potatos::
December 17
05:38 p.m.
well as i sed in mah last entry that i had bowling tryouts. well i went to the second day and the coach was like well you have varsity scores but you have a zone thing so i can't be on varsity for a year. so i cried a million times and did really bad but still managed to make third place over all. well now i bowl on JV and i'm captian and shit cause i wont move teams and you know what i dun wanna be team capitan dammit i have to do all this shit and i dun wanna ::wines:: but i have to -__-;; ::sighs:: well i got a new ball yesterday, its red. i bowled with it for the first tonight and i didn't do to bad just messed on the first game. well i got my grades up cept for bio T__T <-- has a 76% o well its not like i'm trying =| and i haven't done shit and i should be failing so thats a good thing haha. i swear i am missing so many assignments and he just gives me credit fur em. i'm working on a water color painting and its kinda turning out good. i like it. i'm almost done yay! in japanese we are watching monsters inc in japanese and we just finished mulan in japanese too. well i wont be able to update fur awhile(not that i do it very often anyways. gomen gomen) cause i'm going to roswell fur christmas. o joy i am just so excited to go <--(says in monitone voice) ( i think i spelled that wrong ::shrugs:: nothing new to that haha) i'm bringing every movie i own and i'm just going to sit in "my room" (at grandmas and pas) and watch them all. i do not want to see mah cousins because they annoy the hell out of me and they all want to do somthing with me and i just want go home =| well i would bring mah dvds but a dvd player it just too hight tech fur mah grandparents. i am so tired. they should start school later. x__x i dun get enough sleep.<-- feel asleep three times today. at least it wasnt during class. haha i while back like uhh last week or so i think(fur the first time in mah life) i acctually fell asleep during a class (geometry). it was funny but i did feel a lot better afterward ^^;; i want it to be summer now so i can go see megan and mah kittie. well its dinner time. well time to eat sit on the compy and then cry mahself to sleep =|
::falls down the stairs::
24.11.02
05:56 p.m.
its been a while ne? heh heh. yea..well i haven't been doing much of anything latly. and next grade term i'm going to let my parents down major =| my grades dropped. simply because i haven't done anything in class =| i get into deep dazes and dun hear a word. i got sick again. i'm in the porcess of gettin better right now. people tell me that these colds are from allergies that i have from here. thats just great. i've never really had allergies x__x. well on thursday was first day of tryouts for the bowling team. i did really well so i might make varsity. it all depends on how i bowl on tuesday. i wonder when they tell us if we've made the team or not. last week this guy trasfered into my bio class. and like everytime he walks by i like sit and drool over him heh heh. well he was there at tryouts but i didn't talk to him. but one of the girls did and me, her and this other girl were all droolin over him the whole time. and the thing is, is that he used to be in her bio class and then he trasfered to mine ha ha ha. not that he knew i was even there, i walked up to him and acctually talked to him. it wasn't for very long or anything. we talked about bowling and i wished him luck. but i mean i talked to him. i dun like talk to anyone. and i wasn't as nervous once i stared talking to him. not i have a chace to be with him maybe we could be friends. oh wait by tomorrow he wont even remember i'm alive. ::shurgs:: o well. he is one of the few guys at my school who is not a complete asshole. haha. i have art club tomorrow o yay =| i dun wanna go but i hafta. then on tuesday is tryouts yay. lets just hope i dun choke and fuck up x__x that would suck..well i guess i'm just going to sit here and stare at the screen and wait for my downloads to finish.
::makes a paper airplane::
09.11.02
11:29 a.m.
sorry i haven't written in a long time. well this one is going to be short =| i am just too tired u__u well not that much has been going on. i woke up about an hour ago. last night i had turnament and i made the top eight, that was a first and last haha. my head hurts really bad x___x i had this stupid testing thing yesterday at school. it was dumb and boring. and it made me miss my only two decent classes. plus i had one in geometry and one in world history. now i think i did really well on the geometry one but i prolly failed mah world history one x__x! well i haven't been on the puter much lately. aint that somthing. i've been mostly writing, thinking, and watching a lot of tv =| well i think i'm going to have a cup of tea and maybe a nap x__x
::forever sleeps::
30.10.02
06:33 p.m.
as school goes on the more my body dies. i am so tired, so draind. the pain in my chest is coming back now and more and more often. i am freezing. i think i need to buy warmer clothes plus some more jackets and sweatshirts. my eating habits are still off. but its getting a little bit better i'd say. not much =| but i'm getting there..sorta. i don't get much sleep anymore. and one of the reasons is because i keep having these weird dreams. these dreams have people from my school. but i don't even have classes with them. i just pass them in the hallways often or like the one in my last dream i see everyday at lunch cause they are always standing in the same place and its near where i sit everyday. i've had a few of these kind of dreams before =| well last nights dream had this one guy in it..well i think its a guy. i dunno =| gomeeeeeeen. well, that guy, this other girl who was really just there =| yea..and me. and we were in this room. and i was wearing perfume. and that one guy started sneezing and he thought he was allergic to my perfume. well somehow we figured out that it was somthing else and then for the rest of the dream he just keep huggin me cause i smelt good =| i have weird dreams. and it was bothering the whole day. and when i saw him i like ran for the stairs =| i sure he doesn't even know i exsist. today was a little better only cause i froze for half of the day not the whole day. which makes a big diff, trust me. well in fourth peroid i borrowed derryls coat for the rest of the day cause i have sixth with him. ahh his coat was like the best thing in the world. my school is like a million below inside x__x and his coat was so warm. i didn't wanna give it back heh heh. grr i have a japanese test tomorrow. since i have it first peroid and how i took a nap today, i'm going to get a bad grade =| i'll forget everything. and be like sensei i thought we were learning japanese not latin =| and she'd be like okay..... yea =| well right now i wearing a coat cause its freezing in my own house. i just got done reading book 12 in my sweep series that i am reading. i did start reading book 13 and then i was like nooooooo its in alisa POV nooooooooo. and the last one is in hunters and morgan..and you know i am having dejavu or whatever again. thats the third time today. i hate that feeling. well we dont know if we are really going to have christmas this year or not. we dont even have our tree. cause my parents are too stupid to bring it so its still in storage. but i am hoping that if meg wants to and her mum lets her that she can come here for like new years or something. i miss her so much and i really wanna see her. so i hope it all works out. though i am planning to go there in the summer. thats a long time to wait =| hey derryl just got on. haha he had to stay at school until 3:05 =| cause he had to do a book report. my grade went down in that class x____x! from a 103% to a 91% x___x!! yea..at least its still an A. i think my bio grade went down a lot cause i got lazy and got behind. and i didnt' hand in some stuff and i finally got it up to an A- but i sure its back down to a B but thats still good. i hope that this will help my gpa go from 2.6 to something in the 3's. =| my head hurts. its really dark outside and its only seven but thats cuase of daylight savings time. but i dont like how it gets dark so fast. well thats enough random talking for one day right, haha.
::rolls over:: iiee i ate too much x__x
29.10.02
8:22 p.m.
i have to make this really short cause mums buggin me to get off and start gettin ready for bed x__x;; well today was a great day. it all started off with a night of no sleep and horrible dreams. i got up late and i got at school at five mins until late bell. i had to get help in stuff in bio(long story but i dont like doing that..) cause the stuff will be on a test and i didn't know what i was doing. i totally forgot about my math homework but luckly i got it done right when the bell rang so i still got full credit. in world history i only brought my garde up one percent but its still not that bad. i am tired as hell u___u sleeeep im going to try to sleep. i need it.
::forever falls::
28.10.02
05:23 p.m.
i though maybe this would blow over. but now i think i am wrong. soon he will love me no longer. they were just friends..but not anymore and they seem to become more and more closer. i feel the burn upon my skin, the tears roll down my cheecks, the deep pain in my heart.i remember hearing somewhere "love brings pain and sorrow. hate and be hated" maybe its telling me something..i dont know what to think. i feel like shit. thats what i am. i am shit. i can't stop cring. and i still long to be with him at this very moment even though my anger towards him rises. ::takes a deep breath:: okay this calls for a change of subject. today was another monday. i hate mondays. for two reasons. because it means that the weekend is over and you can't sleep in and because i have art club. in japanese we learned katakana combos which i already knew so i did my english journals. i am almost done with my watercolor landscape yay! omg x___x my english grade went down iiieeee well hopfully the stuff we are handing in will all be okay. that will help raise it. in geometry i aced my quiz and ti brought my grade up and whole two percent ^__^ V/ haha.iiiiiieeeeeeee i got a 75% on my world history test x___x!! thats not going to help my grade. well its only first qt i still have plenty of time to get them up. in art club today we got to wash out ceramic things and then use the corndog thing on our ceramics. i need to go to the book store cause i just finished book 11 of the sweep series and there are 14 books total i am almost done. gah i love this series its the greatest! i can read cates books everyday and every night forever and never get bored. i get so into them ^__^. ahh i am all better now. i'll be fine i just need to forget what happened tonight. mum keeps calling me to tell her what i am eating for dinner but i am not in the least bit hungry. =| o well. i can't wait until friday cause i dont have to go to school cause its a staff in day. yay!
::spins around and spins into a tree::
27.10.02
08:16 p.m.
another day gone, and many more to go x___x;; ::sighs:: another day of school tomorrow =| i hate mondays. but atleast i dont have school on friday. yay! its a staff day whoo hoo. ahh another three day weekend yay! sleep is my friend. i wish i could sleep a lot more. though sleep can bring bad thoughts i still like it. i wish to stay home everyday and just sleep. forever sleep. gah i am so tired =| i got 8 hours of sleep last night. thats about how much i get on week nights. i swear my cuz takes the longest showers in shower history. o__o he was in there for like and hour and a half. or at least upstairs gettin ready. haha i dont even take that long. i took a 15 min shower and it took me five mins to get dressed, like one to brush my hair and two to brush my teeth. and note this..girls need bigger towels then boys do, we have a little bit more to cover up. and well my cuz, being male, gave me this towel that just covered me up...like a cm shorter and there would be somthing you'd be seeing that i wouldn't want you too =| i was like omg x__x;;; but i didn't say anything to him heh heh. good thing the bathroom was like right next to my room and i like ran there =| haha t'was kinda funny. well he said that i am good lucky cause when i stay at his house the stealers or what ever =| <--doesn't really pay attention to sports. do really well so i have to come over every weekend so they would do well. haha. i watch it with him and i have no idea whats going on. i just know whos wining and whoes losing and thats about it. well i went with mike to the bar (where he works) cause my dad was picking me up there. we stayed there for a while and then we were going to my cuz scotts house for a family dinner. well of course on the way there my head started to hurt. and hillery and cole were there and they didn't help that at all =| my head still hurts x__x well mum tried to make me eat turkey and she knows i dont like it. so i had a little piece, gaged, and then didn't have anymore. i'm picky about meat. pretty much i only eat chicken, ground beef in sauce and hamburgers. so i had bread and cheese for dinner heh heh. and some grape soda. yes i had pop. its amazing. i dont drink it very often and on reason for that is mum doesn't let it be in the house and i dun get it at resturants i get iced tea. and it wasn't like real pop haha. though i think they did have some =| but i didn't want any.. one thing though is that i dont drink milk ::bones go britle and i break into a million pieces:: acctually i haven't broken one yet o__o;; but maybe thats just cause i dont paly that hard haha..hah..heh..yea =| milk is gross <-- is like a little kid about milk. haha i am. mum even bought straws so maybe i'll drink a little. straws make it go a little faster..sorta. ::remembers:: iiieeee i didn't do my journals or my thing on honor. well i can do the journals real quick and then the other thing isn't due until tuesday so i'm still safe haha ^__^;; heh. but i can't forget. i wonder if derral did it haha prolly. well mums naggin me to go off. shes like its too late. its a school night remember. yea yea i remember =|
::runs around:: iiee i am too stupid for html ::runs into a wall and falls over:: x__x
26.10.02
12:18 p.m.
well as you already noticed my diary has changed a little and i didn't get a chance to write last night. well thats because i was finishing my layout with lots and help from meg. i give you lots of thanks for puttin up with me heh heh ^__^;; this entry is for both today and yesterday.
yesterday
ahh the great day of navada day. having a day off felt great. getting eleven and a half hours of sleep felt most refreshing. yesterday was quite a simple day. i slept until 11:00 then i watched some tv. mum made some soup. and i sat around. how exciting huh. haha. well my grandparents were coming and they were going to come to our humble abode but they missed the exit. so we were going to go out for dinner. i felt like shit though =| and i didn't wanna go but i didn't think i had a choice. there was nothing that i wanted to eat so i said i didnt want anything and mum like flipped so i got some soup that was really spicy i didn't eat much. then i came home finished my layout and then went to bed. that was pretty much my day. o and word of advice.. if you live in a dry climate..dont get sick. the feeling of dryness in your throat can be unbareable x___x drink 100000x more water. i like have one glued to me now.
today
well for some odd reason i am in a great mood. i got up this morning at 9 something and i just layed in bed. i was somewhat trying to get back to sleep but that wasnt going anywhere. so i got out of bed around 10:15 or so and watched tv and made myself a big bowl of smacks ^_^ ahhh, i love thoes. i had about two bowls and then i came up here to get on my woderful computer. i talked to this one guy from school, i have three classes with him. we have a lot in common =| well then i talked to meggie ^____^ yay! talking to her is the best. maybe thats why i am in such a good mood. well my cuz mike called me today. tonight we are going to go cosmic bowling at midnight cause thats when he gets off work. the last time we went it was so fun. we stayed out until like 3:30a.m. cause after we were done bowling we had breakfast in the cafe it was so much fun. then we did go to bed until four cause we played a few rounds of magic. i am feeling much better today and hopefully this cold will be over with before monday. well i think i am going to go take a looooooong shower cause long showers are the best haha.
::runs around with jonny saying whoopdeshit::
24.10.02
04:39 p.m.
the clock ticks, ticks, ticks the minutes away, in which tick the hours away that make the days go by and the day that turn into weeks, in which turn into months, that turn into years. time feels slow, yet sometimes, time feels fast. the days seem to be going quite slow for me. i walk down the crowded hallways of the school i must attened everyday of the business week. i am in great need of rest. more days off them just a weekend, tis not enough. somewhat answers have come. tomorrow i have no school. i have my day of rest. for this new place in which i have to live has its own state holiday. my head pounds heavily and my neck is stiff. when i talk i hear the voice of another but i am mistaken for tis me but this invisible mask that makes it hard to breathe changes it to one i am not familiar with. when i take a drink of water that i am hoping with coat this dryness in my throat with moisture to make it well. but the feeling of dryness in my throat remains as if water was never there. feels as though i am lost in a desert of stong heat and no water is near for many, many, long miles. sometimes the more water i drink the more dry and suficated i feel. ::sighs:: the day has been long. they finally finished kataka today in japanese. we will have a test soon enough. even though i learned it all last year i'm sure i will get some wrong out of stupidity. watercolor. tis a very pretty thing when you know how to use it. but i dont. so my watercolor landscap ::falls over:: is horrible. has the look of just a blur of color. tis a mess. english is quite boring..well most of the time it just is but no..i had to have the most boring teacher to go with it. ahh i have so much writing to do. x___x;; mr curry was gone today again yay! but he'll be back monday ::falls out the window:: ieeeeeeeeee ::thud:: imma okay. today in geometry i had a test..it was easy. i flew right threw it and i was the third one done. but on the other hand my world history test was quite hard. though i hope i did good because his tests are hard and i have my worst grade it that class. i t'will not mention what it is because i do not wish to boast because i am sure many of you will this tis a great grade. tis not bad just tis my lowest. i asked if maybe seats will be changed soon and my teacher said that he'll try to have a new one by monday. all the people around me talk and i cant even hear myself think. he could have just moved me to the other side of the room, tis way more quiet there. o well. ahh mum keeps buggin me about cleaning my room so my magic cards are on the floor cuase i was making a new deck for next weeks turnament. i put one thing on the floor and its messy. my grandparents are coming tomorrow, thats another reason why she is buggin me about it. mum loves living near family..i don't enjoy it as much i guess. tonight for dinner we are havin spaghetti which i like. i just too tired to eat and i am not hungry. i know she'll be calling me to eat soon. don't think we eat really early or that i try slow..tis acctually been an hour since i started this entry. but i talk to my frinds in iowa and listen to music and i did stop for a little while to email someone. haha. tis time to lay down before i have to eat. tis long enough, ne? i hope to write again tomorrow.
::runs around aimlessly with a pen and starts to scribble on random things::
23.10.02
02:36 p.m.
i woke up feeling far worse then i did yesterday. i wore a sweater today cause i always freeze at school. i was still cold, all day long =| breathing is a job of its own now. i feel as though pressure is being pushed on me with great force from all directions. tomorrow i have two tests. i can tell you now that i am going to fail them both. this morning in japanese class i couldn't remember anything. it was like someone had brain washed me. it was like when i was in seventh and eighth grade when japanese was like an alien language to me. i found that the day feels to go much slower when you hate where you are and you are sick. i am begining to get behind in my classes. soon i fear my grades will drop. i don't feel like doing anything. i just wanna sit alone in a corner for the rest of my life. i wish i could just sleep everyday away. right now i sit here staring at the screen watching the letters appear before me. i listen to the sounds around me. i hear the fan that blows strong in the hallway. i hear the song, thoughtless by korn, thats coming from my computer speakers. i can hear nothing more. i sit here waiting for someone. for someone who said they would be back, but that was an hour ago. maybe i should just give up. hes not coming back for a while. i wait for the noise of a door creaking open which is the sign that someone has signed in. when ever i hear it i rush to see if its him but everytime i am let down by seeing a name that is not his. megan signed on. wheee! she is my best friend in the whole world. i miss her so much. i moved from my wonderful home in Iowa to Las Vegas. i miss everything there. even freezing my ass off cause its 50 below zero outside. but most of all i miss megan and my cat fluffy. mum and dad made me leave her behind. they didnt want her anymore. but i did. she now lives forever unhappy with my sister..and her two cats. fluffy has always been the only pet except a fish or two here and there. she doesn't like other animals either. she used to attack out neighbors outdoor cat throuth the the window..which didn't really do anything lol. mum says that i can get two new kittens when we get out of this town home. but i dont want new ones, i want my cat. but that will never happen. i hope i get to see her. i haven't seen her since, three days before we left..my friend peter is getting a new kittie hehe kawaii ^_^ . gah..i think i am going to go take a nap x___x ::jumps out the window and is catched by the farie prince:: iiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
iiiiieeeeeeeeeeee ::is captured by the farie prince:: katelin saaave me!!!
22.10.02
03:19 p.m.
this morning i stragled from my sleeping state to see what time it was only to go back to sleep, for i had an hour or so until i had to really get up. i did this about five times between 4 and 5:20. o fun. i slept in until 6 then i forced myself out of bed. my morning went like any other. i think i caught a cold in my sleep, which isnt that hard since my room is 50 below zero at night x___x;; i am always cold. i swear my body temp is lower than normal.today was horrible. well biology was..well its always is..but today it started out good cause mr. curry was gone today. yay! but the sub we had was kinda a bitch..sometimes. well we had a fire drill and the sound was the most horrible sound i have ever heard in my life. it was a high pitched sound that was comging from everywhere it even sounded like it was from my own head. all i wanted to do was curl up, cover my ears and cry. but no i had to walk for five mins through that sound..that long and horrible sound..ahh it sucked. but after it was over we went back inside and did book work.o fun. when the bell rang the sub made all the guys sit and all the girls left. when we were out of the room she let the boys go and she said 'thank you for honoring the grils you may go' it was funny. well i haven't really said much about me yet have i. ::many people shake their heads:: ahh right ::i nod:: well my name is melissa. but many of my friends call me ash. i am fifteen years old and i'll be sixteen in march. take that mum ha ha ha! your going down..yea okay. we all know i have problems haha. riiiiiight..on to more things about me! yay =| haha. okay. i love to read. i like to read about vampires and stuff about wicca. i collect looooots of things. ::grabes her journal and starts typing what she wrote:: i collect chopsticks, stickers, trading cards, magizines, comics, videos/dvds, anime, swords, and well thats long enough, ne? so lets stop there haha yes there is more..lots more(imma pack rat lol). but most of my wonderful things are in storage ::cries:: i want my stuff. i love jewelry. my fave is rings. whoo. i feel quite nekky if i dun wear any =| i love to draw and paint. i hope to be accepted at AAC. iiieee..i will!! ::gets pumped up:: roooooar! ::draws many things and makes a portfolio:: whooo! ::looks at it:: nooooo its horrible. now i must make another! ::falls over:: o boy x____x i have a looooot of work to do. go-fight-win! whoo lol. well i love to write. well only if i get to write what i want to write about. i hate assigned writing. blah. ::growls at her english 2 class:: you suck ass roar. waaaaaaa being sick sucks =| i feel like shit. ah-ah-ah-choooooooooooooooooooooo T____T ::falls off cliff:: iiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee x_____x <--was killed by an eebil sneeze..'cuse me. well i guess this tis enough for now. i might write some more later.
mornings plus some stuff
21.10.02
05:30 p.m.
this morning, like every other, i awoke from a dream. a dream in which i remember until the next moon rises and i fade from the waking world once again. dreams lately have been more nightmares then dreams. they creep up on me and make bad things happen within my mind. i lay on my pillow wishing the presents of another was there with me. i know i must arise soon for the long day ahead of me waits to torment me. everyday a loud noise wakes me and i slip out of bed only to slide back in. i curl up with in my sheets and pillows only to drift away for 15 more mins.i mosey along to the bathroom, still half asleep, i curl up on the cold hard floor. a few mins pass and i force myself to slid off my clothes and slip into the warm rain. i think if my day will be like all the others. will my day be like a black and white movie playing over and over in slow motion. today i was deep thought like many other times, and i forgot to get lunch money (more like water money) from mum. i eat when i get home if i'm hungry =| today i sat in biology in fear like every other day. the cold room sends chills up my spine causing me to shiver and little bumps to appear upon my arms. a sheet of paper sat before me waiting to be completed. though i ignored it and though about a blade slashing my heat to take away the pain. remembering that there was once a dream very much like this thought. i wandered through the day, like a empty drone just walking until it reaches where it is to be for the time being. then waits to rise again to move on to my next place i am to sit and wait. after the long hours of sitting and rising i walk to a small room in where i must be. mum says these are great. i sit in art club as we make things and everyone breaks them..what a waste. we put the clay back and do it again and again. once it is over ::freedom:: i think to myself. oh no, for i am wrong..no freedom. i walk to the car as mum awaits for me. we drive home, i wish in silence, but no, she must talk. she wants answers but i have none for her. i say what i say everyday, fine. fine. fine. then the conversation finally ends. we approach home and i race up the stairs and fall back on my bed where i lay for a few moments. i rise and walk a few steps to my world where i want to be. i come to my land of happiness. where i can write and talk to loved ones far away. where i can read and watch. to my computer. i sit here day after day. this is the one thing i look forward too, to come home and be with my computer where i can be with my friends whom i was forced away from. now i live, where it feels like the other side of the world from them. but i can still talk and say hi to, tell them i miss them without mum being able to over hear my conversation with them. i love my friends and i wish to see them all soon. then my days will be much brighter.
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